Six Ways to Set Boundaries with a Demanding Person

by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT

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Often clients are stressed out by demanding, unreasonable, entitled family members, friends and others in their lives. When we start to work on it, of course right away the subject of 'Boundaries' comes up. In this post I will give an overview of one way of setting boundaries.

Remember, you are supposed to take the high road and not be snarky, okay? Even if you're angry.  This is for your benefit not theirs.... it helps you reduce stress, gets your point across, and preserves your reputation. If you're feeling revengeful that's not going to help, we need to work on that... 

1. Validate: (If the person is extremely difficult, it doesn't even need to be completely sincere)
If a person is ranting about something, and you are invested in the relationship,  the best thing to do is validate their emotional process. The key distinction is that this does not mean that you are agreeing with them or need to defend anything. Right away you are starting to put the person's guard down.

For example: 
"I see what you're saying."
"I know that's difficult."
"I'm sorry you're dealing with this."

2. Set a clear boundary
If the person is demanding you to do something for them that you are not prepared to do, 

Try:
"I cannot respond to this right now (unfortunately)"
"I would like this to be fixed for you but I cannot respond right now."
​"I will let you know when I can work it into my schedule."

Whatever the person says in response, return to number one above.. Because they probably aren't going to like this boundary setting at first, especially if they are used to everyone placating them.

Example:
"Yes I know you're upset about that."

3. Repeat the boundary
"I will have to let you know later"
"I'm not sure"
"Let me think about it"

4. Another boundary
Now if the person resorts to screaming, instead of screaming back, try:

​"I'm sorry I do not respond to screaming, that is very un-cool... I'm going to hang up now."

4. Remove yourself physically
Say goodbye and leave the room or end the contact diplomatically and in a way that doesn't throw down the Abandonment card. It's not a good idea to slam doors and thrown down ultimatums. Understand everyone will be triggered by the Abandonment card I like to call it. Basically I'm leaving and storming out the door.

According to the time frame you are comfortable with, try:
"I have to go now... I will talk with you (fill in the blank when)" 

Another example:
"I will be tied up for the rest of the day, I'm busy now I have to go..."

5. Curtail access
This should really be step number one. We have to decide exactly what we are willing and able to do for this person based on our own responsibilities, needs and limitations. This may be especially difficult with needy or elderly family members. Consult with yourself - how much are you able and/or willing to invest? What are your abilities  and limitations in actuality? Reduce access to you outside the parameters you have established and written down.

6. Let Yourself Off the Hook 
Try not to feel guilty or obligated. You deserve to live your own life. It's good to help others, but too often as a therapist I see people helping others too much,.. to the point where they're making themselves unwell. Don't do that, okay?

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