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by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT  ,
Often clients are stressed out by demanding, unreasonable, entitled family members, friends and others in their lives. When we start to work on it, of course right away the subject of 'Boundaries' comes up. In this post I will give an overview of one way of setting boundaries. Remember, you are supposed to take the high road and not be snarky, okay? Even if you're angry. This is for your benefit not theirs.... it helps you reduce stress, gets your point across, and preserves your reputation. If you're feeling revengeful that's not going to help, we need to work on that... 1. Validate: (If the person is extremely difficult, it doesn't even need to be completely sincere) If a person is ranting about something, and you are invested in the relationship, the best thing to do is validate their emotional process. The key distinction is that this does not mean that you are agreeing with them or need to defend anything. Right away you are starting to put the person's guard down. For example: "I see what you're saying." "I know that's difficult." "I'm sorry you're dealing with this." 2. Set a clear boundary If the person is demanding you to do something for them that you are not prepared to do, Try: "I cannot respond to this right now (unfortunately)" "I would like this to be fixed for you but I cannot respond right now." "I will let you know when I can work it into my schedule." Whatever the person says in response, return to number one above.. Because they probably aren't going to like this boundary setting at first, especially if they are used to everyone placating them. Example: "Yes I know you're upset about that." 3. Repeat the boundary "I will have to let you know later" "I'm not sure" "Let me think about it" 4. Another boundary Now if the person resorts to screaming, instead of screaming back, try: "I'm sorry I do not respond to screaming, that is very un-cool... I'm going to hang up now." 4. Remove yourself physically Say goodbye and leave the room or end the contact diplomatically and in a way that doesn't throw down the Abandonment card. It's not a good idea to slam doors and thrown down ultimatums. Understand everyone will be triggered by the Abandonment card I like to call it. Basically I'm leaving and storming out the door. According to the time frame you are comfortable with, try: "I have to go now... I will talk with you (fill in the blank when)" Another example: "I will be tied up for the rest of the day, I'm busy now I have to go..." 5. Curtail access This should really be step number one. We have to decide exactly what we are willing and able to do for this person based on our own responsibilities, needs and limitations. This may be especially difficult with needy or elderly family members. Consult with yourself - how much are you able and/or willing to invest? What are your abilities and limitations in actuality? Reduce access to you outside the parameters you have established and written down. 6. Let Yourself Off the Hook Try not to feel guilty or obligated. You deserve to live your own life. It's good to help others, but too often as a therapist I see people helping others too much,.. to the point where they're making themselves unwell. Don't do that, okay?
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By Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT I think we would all agree that excessive Criticism can be toxic and demoralizing.. not to mention confusing. Let's take a look at what to do if you feel you are being unfairly criticized.
1. Look inward and make sure you have listened to anything that was possibly 'fair' or 'valid' about the criticism. It is important to be learn how to notice our emotional reactions, and learn to bring them under our conscious control. For example, we may not like the way we are reacting in a particular situation and may feel powerless to change that.unwanted emotional reaction. We may think what the person is saying is a lie or unfair... It's normal to have a visceral reaction to that., What's important is our attitude and maybe our reputation. We may lash out and say or write things we later wish we had not. None of us is perfect, and we can all improve. So if a loved one is complaining about your behavior, attitude, appearance or whatever... we can be big enough to hear the complaint. That does not mean that we have to obey or become defensive or refute anything at all. An important first step is to unplug the defensiveness and look at this episode as an opportunity for learning and/or growth. Learning about this person and/or myself: "This person knows me and loves me (allegedly haha), so let me at least allow them to speak, and not upset myself." "I don't have to agree... I can hear what the problem is..." 2. What to do instead of back-and-forth bickering? Make sure you have heard what the person is saying, and reflect the content of that back to the person. A dialog example: You: "So, you are saying you did not like (fill in the blank), is that what you are saying? I don't know that I agree, but please let me hear what you have to say." And then listen to their answer politely, until they are finished, and then say 'thanks for letting me know, I will think about what you said.' Period. Then it will be time to move on to the next subject, like preparing dinner or hustling around getting things done. There is so much power in simply refusing to engage in back-and-forth bickering, making points, attacks and counterattacks..If you just stop doing that, and instead implement listening, knowing it's safe because you do not have to obey, grovel, condone, feel guilty, or agree, this technique can be a game-changer. It creates a shift in yourself, the other person and the dynamic of the relationship. You will have time to process your thoughts and feelings about the exchange at your leisure, and you can be intentional and deliberate about whatever interventions or strategies you want to employ next. 3. Go to a quiet place by yourself where you will not be disturbed. Think about what the person said and ask yourself, 'How do I really feel about what they said?'. Talk about yourself only, and use adjectives that describe your personal feeling states about the incident. Example: "Well I really feel that person is a hypocrite." (haha) This is not what I mean. What we are looking for is emotionally focused language about yourself. For example, "I am incredibly angry and disgusted by those comments." At least now we are telling the truth.We are not pointing the finger at anyone... only owning our true feelings about something. We need to know our true feelings, it is very important. Otherwise how are we going to understand ourselves or help anyone else truly know us? It's not that we necessarily have to talk about our feelings with others all the time, but that we know the truth of how we feel in any episode or relationship. And we do use our feelings to guide us. 4. Observe your anger and let it be okay to be angry or annoyed for awhile. The thing about anger is that it often simmers and dissipates. So it is nice to know that it will fade. Also, you are not compelled to act on your anger to make it dissipate, only to acknowledge that it is there. 4. Decide what you want to see happen in this situation. Think about this in detail. Use affirmative speech. "I want to feel confident and appreciated in my life. I like to feel capable and motivated." 5. Decide whether or not you want to have a conversation with this person about the criticism, or critical attitude. If you have to talk to someone about a difficult subject like this, or feel unsure, it is a great idea to prepare yourself with a few sessions of therapy. This will help you get your thoughts straight, feel validated and understood, as well as helping you practice understanding and delivering your messages in a manner that is less likely to provoke an argument. by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT A frequent concern when I receive an initial call from a client, is that they are having problems with arguing with a partner, child, parent, sibling or close friend. I think it is relatively easy to unintentionally get stuck in a pattern of disagreement and arguing with someone, which may evolve into a resentment and 'stuckness' that can be very unpleasant and hard to break. Here are a few ideas from many years working with couples, individuals and families. 1. Decide that you want to stop arguing, and that you yourself, are going to choose other ways of interacting, regardless of what the other person may be doing or saying. This may not be too easy, but we can obtain education to learn alternate and more effective ways of understanding and expressing ourselves. 2. Consider who you are dealing with. You already know this person. You probably know if they are normally collaborative and willing to work on things, or blocking and defensive. If this is a person who is inflexible historically, we are going to have to face that reality, and develop a plan. It's not going to help to constantly believe that a person is finally going to collaborate, when the likelihood of that is very low. Be careful about getting in a pattern of wearing your heart on your sleeve, unless it's reciprocal. 3. Protect yourself. If you have decided not to argue, it is wise to avoid situations or topics that commonly provoke disharmony. It is very important to understand yourself, and what you need and want in a particular circumstance. I often find one of the biggest hurdles, is that people don't really understand themselves. They don't know what they want or need. What they are usually doing is criticizing, emoting and pointing a finger at others because they want to feel better, or get things done, and think this might help. Believe me this does not help. :) 4. Develop, and be ready to deliver, your core messages such as: What I want to see happen in this situation is... (fill in the blank). How I feel about this is... (fill in the blank). Use adjectives to describe feeling states. But first consult with yourself, and decide, 'How do I really feel about this?' 'What do I want to see happening here?' Notice you are already beginning to pivot away from the problems and structure solutions by doing this. 5. Avoid criticizing, complaining, and justifying. If your person has a problem with something you are doing, you can hear it. Don't be afraid to listen to it. Just say, "Ok you are saying (fill in the blank)..... Is that right?" This doesn't mean that you have to agree, obey, condone, grovel or feel bad about yourself. It definitely benefits you to be 'big' enough to hear the concerns as long as they are delivered respectfully. When you stop arguing and say something like, "Ok you are having a problem with such and such. Tell me some more about that." And basically listen to what the person is saying, a major change starts to happen. Make sure you understand that you do not have to agree obey or condone, or feel bad about yourself, so it is safe to hear it. It really doesn't hurt. By you listening without refuting, a shift starts to happen in the other person and the relationship. Now if there is abuse going on, I don't recommend opening yourself up to be hurt. Please reach out for help right away if there is abuse going on. People definitely need support when they are being abused. 6. Accept the situation and/or make some hard decisions. Ultimately it may come down to deciding if this is a relationship that needs to be saved or not. We are here to help you with your decisions and interventions along this journey. Thank you for visiting! by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT
Cost of Becoming Unstuck: Bravery
There is going to be a cost when you start taking ownership of your feelings and your life. When you decide to learn and tell the truth about how you really feel, what you truly want, or try to change things that aren't working... you are disrupting the status quo, and there is going to be some blowback (initially). The words status quo are from Latin meaning 'existing state'. Example: He is happy with the status quo and does not like change. Notice I said 'initially'. Even if you do it gingerly and compassionately, those around you are likely to resist hearing your call for 'change' especially if they are perfectly fine with the way things are, or not very good at listening. When you get in touch with your true feelings and decide to share... it is important to have knowledge and a strategy rather than just 'letting loose' in a moment of frustration or anger (and then being labeled 'crazy' or 'unstable'). When our control is mixed up with the control others have over their own lives, we may rely more on subtle mechanisms such as negotiation and conciliation to move a particular situation in the way we want it to go. With so much negotiation, compromise and often heavy pressure from others to 'do' or 'be' what they want, we may end up feeling that we are vaguely not in control of our own life, our needs aren't getting met, and our strategies to fix things are not working very well. In more glaring examples of negating you and your desires, loved ones may even be patronizing, condescending or hostile as they dismiss your feelings or the ideas and dreams you have for yourself and/or the 'group.' Maybe you are tired of being told or insinuated that what you feel, want, like or dislike is wrong and needs to be changed. You know how you feel... you know yourself better than anyone else... no one else knows what goes on inside of your personal world... you are in charge of yourself... hopefully you are acting in good faith to take excellent care of yourself and others, and maximize your talents in your life that you have right now. Others will try to exert control over you to feel a certain way, agree to certain things or adopt a particular set of behaviors. What if you don't agree and want to resist but are terrified of numerous possible negative consequences such as fighting, rejection, withdrawal of help or privileges? Maybe you are unwilling to risk guilt or negativity in the relationship and this stops you from being true to yourself while being fair to others. You want to resist when things are wrong for you, but go along anyway and feel bad because of fear of disrupting the status quo where things are somewhat safe and predictable. Maybe you blow up occasionally and don't know what's wrong, or overeat or overwork or engage in other diversions. Maybe you tolerate behavior that hurts you... and keep going because of your emotional or physical dependence, fear of change or lack of belief in yourself. This is where I say, "You are not stuck" and to become un-stuck there is going to be a cost. Sorry about that, but there is going to be a cost because in learning to be congruent, to know and tell the truth for yourself, you are disrupting the status quo and this will be discomfiting to others at first. Be Willing to Take a Risk Being stuck is often a result of feeling unsure about the validity of your life and feelings, and fear of the unknown or losing something. Also being stuck is when you feel like you have to 'act' a certain way to be accepted, or for someone to love you. Being Congruent and the Core Message When learning to be more congruent, prepare yourself with a core message that you want to deliver about a particular issue, and trust that you can be honest with yourself and others and deliver your core messages in a congruent way. "Congruent" is when what you see on the outside of a person is the same as what is inside the person. We'll give an example in a minute. When preparing your core message, remember you are not blaming or criticizing anyone. Delivering these messages on purpose in a calm and confident manner over time will eventually get you heard and shift a feedback loop that you don't like, that may have been in place for a long time. Initially though, be prepared for pushback and don't let it fluster you. Listen and continue to calmly state your core message (that you have worked out ahead of time). Don't bite any bait or provocation or off-topic deviation. Since this is different from how you usually react, people are going to be off- guard or even shocked! There may be a tremendous amount of resistance and provocation until you can get a new feedback loop established. For example, Dad comes home from work in a grouchy mood. Mom notices the dark cloud coming through the door and says: Hi Honey, is everything okay you seem upset. Can I get you something? Dad replies gruffly, Nothing, I'm fine! and stomps upstairs to his office. First of all Dad lied. There Was something wrong, and on top of lying, he threw Mom the Rejection Card when she tried to help. Ouch. Example of a Congruent Core Message In his defense, Dad would probably say, Well, I didn't want to bother them so I denied anything was wrong. I would suggest a more congruent core message would be: Yes I had a rough day, I need to go upstairs for a few minutes to disconnect from work. I'll come down for dinner in a few minutes. (Thank you for making dinner it smells good.) In relationships when you decide to tell the truth, be sure to do things on purpose, and above all be kind and talk about yourself not about the other person's failures. Be firm and kind with an attitude of appreciation and service to others and confidence in yourself. Why don't we tell the truth?
Use More Self-Control, Finesse Among Mirriam Webster's various definitions of ways of using 'finesse,' in this case we are working with finesse as: skillful handling of a situation : adroit maneuvering He handled the problem with finesse. Synonyms of Finesse skillfulness, expertise, subtlety, flair, panache, elan, polish, mastery How to Become "Unstuck" Handle situations with finesse and be willing to accept that you may suffer negative consequences as a result of knowing and telling the truth. Using the above strategies over time with an attitude of appreciation, kindness and firmness, you will feel much freer and others will learn to respect you and your point of view. It is not necessarily easy to change unhealthy relationship dynamics, but it is worth the effort. by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT
It makes you wonder what is real. Is this relationship a real thing or something created by me being nice?
Your Well-Being How you feel about your life, relationships and emotions, are of utmost importance to the life that you are creating around you. So it is important to learn to acknowledge and tell the truth about your emotions, and to stay focused on what is wanted. That means that if something is a bucket of shit, you call it a bucket of shit! You don't call it a vase of roses. Many people can get that mixed up even though they are two completely different things. We notice that instead of telling the truth, many people are too used to being polite and careful to please everyone, everyone all the time. Everyone, everyone except yourself! When you become afraid of saying "No, I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that" or sharing how you truly feel about something important because someone may not like it, you are suffering from NICE-ITIS. This is a 'disease' in which a person believes he or she has to be Nice all the time and please everyone in order to avoid feeling guilty and be an acceptable or good person. As soon as you lose your ability to feel your emotions and boundaries, let alone set them with others... you're in trouble. Wouldn't it be better to say "No... that is not really a vase of roses... but there must be a purpose to everything in life." The other choice would be to basically lie... and Stuff your true feelings. I suggest that a more self-affirming attitude would be, "It smells like shit.... so it can probably be turned into fertilizer." You didn't realize that being overly nice could be equivalent to being a liar and cover-up artist?! Making everyone happy can give a person an illusion of control which can be comforting on some level (especially if you have experienced trauma in your past) If I let people get upset, something really bad might happen... If others are happy with you, you can feel good about yourself. You may be exhausted and totally burned out but you can tell yourself, "Everything is under control, I made sure everyone has what they need, everyone is okay". Notice that your ability to feel good in this case is dependent on whether others are pleased with your efforts or not. Depending on another person to have a particular emotional or behavioral response can be a risky business because humans tend to be unpredictable and need to be self-focused for survival. This is a biological mandate, so we're not going to do any good trying to tell people not to be so selfish. It can take a tremendous amount of effort and personal sacrifice to constantly 'Please' someone else. So, if we can't actually depend on the result we are hoping for (the person being pleased)... and we are probably feeling exhausted and unappreciated by trying to be nice all the time... what is the point? A more realistic expectation is that partners, parents, lovers friends and children can be depended upon for one thing... and that is to disappoint. And to disappoint often! So how we learn to acknowledge and respond to our true feelings, and to tell the constructive truth without attacking, is to create a closer bond instead of emotional distance even hatred. NICE-ITIS goes along with STUFF-IT 'Nice' is not particularly authentic, as you don't let others really get to know you. You hide and Stuff your true feelings, wants, needs and desires. You don't let anyone see the 'Not Nice' aspects, except for the times when you have "Stuffed It" long enough and you "Blow" which may happen from time to time and make people say that you are explosive or crazy. No, you are not crazy, but you are worn out from trying to please people all the time and then feeling guilty and horrible when no matter how hard you try... they cannot be depended upon to be pleased. Being overly nice or perfect can tend to make long-term relationships problematic for a few reasons. For one thing, others may avoid you or take advantage of your good nature, because they feel inferior and guilty compared to your virtuous self-sacrifice. In the long run, it tends to be difficult to stay with a person who is more Nice than Authentic. It can become impossible to stay with someone so perfect... when your partner is only too aware of his or her own imperfections... anger, fear, self-centeredness or other aspects or vices. It isn't necessarily that easy to share an honest emotional bond with an exceptionally nice or perfect person also due to fear of being judged by someone superior. Challenge Questions
If you're suffering from NICE-ITIS and STUFF-IT, we can help you learn to get rid of guilt and feel good about allowing your true self to come out! |
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